“For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am i going in circles, or dare I hope, I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

CS Lewis (1961)

This research project ‘’holding' draws upon my own lived experience of being a parent carer of a child with Leukaemia, a life-threatening blood cancer. Though diagnosis, treatment and relapse, in my experience the aftereffects of this traumatic experience transcends treatment ‘end’ dates. The level of care required to support my son throughout his treatment and beyond still effects my ability to connect with my own needs. With a formidable treatment plan, the level of care required is extremely challenging and incessant. Managing the side effects of chemotherapy, medical procedures, hospitalisation and constant management and navigation around healthcare staff and systems was all consuming, taking its toll physically and emotionally. ‘Illness, like childhood or like the “primitive” state, is a complete form of existence’ (Merleau-Ponty, M 2012 p110).

This project explores notions of caring for ourselves whist caring for others. It draws up on the ebb and flow of sensations and body and mind connection. Applying a mindfulness approach; 'about being in the moment, using the senses to become aware of what is happening right now’ (Simmons and Griffith 2009, p144) and how this may help us restore connection with ourselves. I explore a phenomenological approach to lived experience, through the use of objects and methods of making. As Havi Carel states, Phenomenology ‘ focuses on the experience of an individual, the ways in which we perceive them (phenomena) as they appear to us. (Carel, H 2019, p12). Exploring the emotional response we may have with objects ‘as companions to our emotional lives or a provocations to thought.’ (Turtle S 2007, p5) and combining this emotional response with how I might approach to communicate this with others, Daniel Miller explores this emotional communication through objects in his book ‘The Comfort of Things’  ‘every object in the room is equally a form by which they have chosen to express themselves.’ (Miller D 2008, p2).

Through materials and methods of making I explore what contribution our hands make in in how we relate to objects by sense of touch and exploring the unknown. Drawing up on methods of making such as kneading, rubbing and smoothing? Elbrecht, C discusses an intuitive knowing the hands hold, through rhythmic repetition (2013 p62). This quote form Elbrecht, encapsulates this theory,  ‘Follow your hands! Your hands know the way; in your head you will just stay in the known; in order to explore the unknown and find new ground, you need to trust your hands and follow the impulses in them’ (Elbrecht, C 2013 p24).